What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
You Might Also Like
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough