I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
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I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
Called it
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
taking June’s advice to heart
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to