100% of divorces begin with marriage.
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People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
My purse is deeper than some people.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
you stereotypes are all alike
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.