This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
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Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
i- i did not expect this
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]