I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
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SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
I love the National Park Service.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
dam girl