If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
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i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.