WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
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Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
Snapes on a plane.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️