I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
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If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
If you want my opinion ask my wife
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
Banderslack Clamberdorch
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*