If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
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Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)