[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
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Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
oh my gosh!!
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
even bears disappoint their mothers
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
Somewhere in an alternate universe
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907