[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
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“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
Ken is short for chicken
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.