me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
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Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart