I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
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count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost