Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
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I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??