MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
You Might Also Like
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet