If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
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Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
Seals are just dog mermaids.
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.