My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
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Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
what the
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley