I sexually identify as a hand grenade
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[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
LOL!
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
The devil.
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?