What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
You Might Also Like
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel