Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
You Might Also Like
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
Great Canadian literature.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
Cardio Made Easy
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?