Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
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What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
🤣🤣🤣🤣
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen