Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
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After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text