I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
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Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.