shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
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You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
Sniffing the broccoli
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.