Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
You Might Also Like
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
My what?
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.