Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
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mood
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.