Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
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[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!