[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
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Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
security at the airport getting more straightforward
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
Grow up never but we old may grow we
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.