I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
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you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep