JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
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[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
haha same
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
How to wake up a Beagle
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
that’s really how it is
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!