Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
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I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
Time heals everything 🙂
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
same energy
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.