“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
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280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it