My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
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Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok