You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
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Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
listen closely
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
Don’t we all.
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.