Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
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me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.