Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
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[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
Tough love is true love
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone