Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
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LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
how high up are we talkin’?
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.