Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
You Might Also Like
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO