One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
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Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
I put the p in pants.
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
good work, everybody
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
Chicago sounds lovely.