My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
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[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.