The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
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I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?