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People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
Tier 3 meme
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
😏😏😏
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son