Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
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I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
Saw your ex at the shops
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse