I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
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Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.