When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
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Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.