I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
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3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
#CoronaOutbreak
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
Grandmother clock.
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?