doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
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Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
Had to try this trend 😊
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
Me too
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
i hate you platonically
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”