Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
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The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*