If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
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My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
car not found
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.