I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
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Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
channeling her this year
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit